October 8, 2003

A friend and I were talking about holes in our lives, what we do to create them, and how we refill them. Hmm, anyone have a shovel?

Andrea and I were talking about grief and loss, and then started realizing all the holes that are create in this life. Death, the loss of someone near to us is probably the biggest hole maker of all. We find our routine changed, our life interrupted, and something missing from our existence. This is a hole, a change in your routine or existence, that feels like an emptiness. Following the law of relativity (and we're not just talking about people you are related to), the closer the person (or being) lost, the bigger the hole created.

Sometimes the hole can leave one devastated, and unable to climb out. Other times, it changes their resolve to do different things. Sometimes, it just takes a while to fill that hole.

Holes can be created by a lot of things, school ending, classes being dropped, associations being dropped, leaving a sports group or stopping an exercise routine. Many years ago, I belonged to... (ok the truth comes out)... a Star Trek fan club. In the final years, I was the head of security for their annual convention. This was something I enjoyed a great deal. The three days of the convention were always challenging, a lot of work, but a lot of fun. It was not cops and robbers as some might think. It was helping people. Since we wore headset radios that had this antenna sticking up, people saw us quickly, and came to us to answer questions, or get help. It was a great feeling helping people and solving the problems that came up.

But the 362 days between conventions was not so fun. It was a lot of planning and decision making. That wasn't bad, but it was also a lot of politics and group dynamics. Everyone in the group thought I did well, but everyone in the group knew how to do it better, and kept telling me that. At one point, the stress became so great that the only way I could continue progressing on my (at that time) new abilities, was to leave the club.

Since I had put in a lot of time working and planning for each year's convention, this left a big hole in my life. For a while, there was an emptiness. But it finally filled. It filled with learning massage, and learning more energy techniques, and teaching a student or two. And after that, we moved away. Do I miss it now? A little. I miss the feeling, and the fun at the convention, not the rest. But I have better things to do that are more gratifying.

Andrea used to be with a singing group in Pittsburgh. She had done that a good number of years, more than I have known her. A couple of years ago, she moved to the Philadelphia area to take a job. After a while, she decided that distance was forcing her to quit the group. I won't say that there wasn't stress within the group, but it wasn't extreme either. But, she misses the singing and the performances. She created a hole.

But that hole has been filled too. She is now married, and is having a nice life.

Every change that comes in our lives can create holes. If we change jobs, get laid off, stop playing a musical instrument. , we could be (and most likely are) creating holes. I think the key is to know that we can move ahead, and someday these holes will be filled. I know when you are depressed over the loss of something, it is hard to realize that something else will eventually take up your time. But believe it or not, it will. What one has to do is to feel that this will happen, and know that they are moving ahead. This is as true for me, as it is for you.

The trick is to realize that these are holes that can be filled, and will be, eventually. There are no black holes except those out in deep space, and the ones on your computer's hard drive where your documents keep falling into.