I have, had, have a very dear friend. Now, the phrasing in that sentence tells a story. Here it is...
I have had a good friend and student for a couple of years now. We talk more by e-mail than anything else because she has some problems, and all too often is not up to visitors. We were passing e-mails one day, when she told me she had a problem. I know what I felt as I read this, but my typed response did not adequately convey my response. Hell, it was so far in the opposite direction that it wasn’t funny.
I had typed a statement while feeling one thing, yet it said something else. I had looked back at what I had typed, and thought that I needed to add to it. Instead, something distracted me. (Looking back over the time, I tend to think that this something was more spirit than anything else.) At any rate, the mail went out.
Did you ever say something that you really didn’t mean, but actually popped out? You may not have been feeling what you said, but it got said anyway? It’s one thing to do it in person, another to do it on the phone, and worst yet, to do it in e-mail.
When you do it in person, you can at least explain that you don’t know why you said it, and you really didn’t’ mean it. On the phone, you may have a chance to explain and let them hear your voice before someone hangs up, or you may not. In e-mail, it is hard. At least seeing your face, or hearing your voice, someone can ‘get a read’ on you and determine whether you are telling the truth or not. In e-mail, all you have is words, text, language. Depending on how someone reads it, it could be taken a lot of ways.
Many a time I will be ‘talking’ with a friend on Instant Messenger or MSN Messenger, and type something in, just to joke. I have on too many occasions gotten blasted back in anger because all they saw was text, and took it negatively. When you have a friend that you really know, you truly know that they wouldn’t do anything mean to hurt you, but when all you see is text, and can’t feel the emotions behind it, it is hard.
I have a couple good friends that won’t hesitate to give me a swift kick to the backside, if they feel I need it. But there is a difference in that and other things (even if I feel I don’t deserve a kick).
At any rate, I wrote this text. And I sent it. And it hurt a friend. When I got the mail back that blasted me to my soul, I tried to explain. I knew I hadn’t meant it the way it was perceived. Instead of telling her what I truly felt, for some reason (and I feel guided, or is that misguided, here), I told her that she misinterpreted the text, and that I would never say anything to hurt her. (Good come back don’t you think? NOT!)
Her response was to tell me to go screw myself and never darken her inbox again. She blocked my mail, and would not take my phone calls. She told me not to even send anything snail mail as she wouldn’t read it.
I was mad. I was really mad… at me. I closed in and turned away from everybody. I figured I didn’t deserve friends, as I would just piss them off at some point. My friend (former friend?) was hurting too. She was going to go through some procedure and would need energy. I sent it whether she wanted or not.
This went on for three months. One day I learned that my teacher was going in the hospital, and felt I needed to let those among her non-students that knew her know about what was going on. The e-mail to my friend bounced back, so I used one of my Hotmail accounts. I told her that I did not want to intrude, but thought she should know. It did not come back.
The next day, I am included in an e-mail with many others. It is telling us about an accident my friend had, and that she was lucky to be around. (This came to my main account.) I thought she might have forgotten to take me off the list, but when my reply didn’t come back, I had thoughts that she needed my help more so than what the message said.
I sent healing, love, calming. I AP’d inside to check her injuries. I put in a tap into universal healing energy that would supply what she needed as she needed it. In writing her back, I told her what I had done, and hoped she didn’t hate me too much. The problem was that there was only love between us, love overshadowed by hurt and anger. I was never mad at her. I have always been willing to help her no matter what. It seems she needed something that only I could set up (or it seemed like only I could set it up).
Finally, we got to talk, and explain, and understand, and cry. Yesterday, I saw her for the first time in three months. We are very good friends that love each other deeply. Only our silliness let something get between us, something that will never work its way in again.
I’m sorry, my friend. I have missed you, missed hearing from you, missed talking with you, and missed your wise counsel. To you, my friend, all my love.